The sun is shining this morning…this made me think of how I’ve viewed my world since diagnosis…gray.   That is the only world to describe it…gray with days of white light and more days of black darkness. I’ve moved into another phase of this journey…I have three radiation treatments under my belt with 25 to go…almost finished other than the monthly herceptin. I realize the worst is behind me…my world is changing colors…letting in the light…one day…one treatment at a time. I’ve made it!  Now if I can re-train my brain to not worry about it coming back…to not obsess over the fatique as a sign of defeat…to realize that every day that I’m still breathing, cancer has not won! It’s a new day…time to move forward on this journey and look to the sunshine!

I haven’t written for a while…I guess I’m ready to move on to the next phase. I feel better since the chemo is finished…my hair is coming back (YAY Mane & Tail shampoo!!) I see the radiologist tomorrow then I’ll go from there. I’m wondering how much having cancer has changed me…has it become the definition of who I am? My aunt passed away this week and at the dinner after the funeral, family and friends kept coming to see how I was almost shocked that I was alive. It was as if they couldn’t imagine that I was truly doing well, that it was all an act and I would die at any moment. This unnerved me a bit…I realize my family is mostly doom and gloom…they live and believe that true happiness doesn’t come in this life but in the next and that’s fine…that’s their belief and I respect that…however, it is not mine.  I believe that my doctor removed all of the tumor and the lymph nodes that were cancerous and I believe that their treatment for me killed any other cancer cells growing and I believe that at this point in my life I am cancer free! Yes, I will die someday, but not yet…it’s not my time. I guess my question is this…will they always look at me expectant for the horror of cancer to return…will I ever just be me again or will the cancer label always be there? I’m proud that I’m a cancer survivor, but do I always have to talk about it…is that the path my life will take now?  Just a thought…

Well, it’s officially Friday…the day of my last chemo. I met with the radiologist on Thursday and I begin radiation on Tuesday…I’ve been crying for hours now…a mixture of relief and fear…so afraid that after all of this…it will come back. I don’t know if I can do this again…I don’t know if I’m strong enough or brave enough…I know I should be celebrating and I will when I see the faces of the caregivers tomorrow…the doctors and nurses who have held my hand when I was afraid, who gave me pep talks and shared their own survivor stories with me to show me that this day would come. I have been blessed with great care given to me…I don’t know how to repay those people or my husband…how do you thank the man you love who fulfilled his wedding vows by staying by me in sickness and in health…what words to you say? I’m so thankful that I married the kind of man who took those vows to heart… who truly loves me…who has proven again and again that we were meant to be together. He is my best friend, my cheerleader and the source that makes me laugh. It is my prayer to whoever listens that I never put him through this again…and if he ever needs me in the same way…I’ll be there for him…because I took my vows to heart too.