It’s almost midnight and the house is quiet…too quiet…both my husband & son are sleeping…wish I could. It’s in this quiet hours that my resolve weakens and the tears flow…it is then that I start asking  why…I told my mother that it is a cleansing of sorts…of doubts I have about myself, my family, my faith…I am forced now to leave the past behind and to focus on what is happening now…this is a good thing…I am forced to put myself and my needs above everyone else and I have to admit I am struggling with this…my husband is sick…bad cold and he won’t let me near him for fear that I will get sick…even though I know it’s for the best, my heart breaks because we have rarely been apart the past 7 years…even though he’s just down the hall, I feel like he’s a million miles away because I always take care of him when he’s sick…always…I’m forced to let the hurts between me and my folks go completely because today I saw the worry in their eyes and my heart broke…they are too old to have to worry about a sick child…I am forced to look at all the reasons I stopped believing and see if they were the right reasons…I’m forced to listen with my heart and truly hear what I am supposed to do…I am forced to face my fears and make a stand to live…I haven’t been brave too many times in my life…choosing to leave my son’s father…quitting my job and going back to school…leaving a friendship that had run its course and had become a living hell…but I didn’t feel brave during any of those times…I just kept thinking I need to make my son proud of his mom…I need to show him that there is a better life out there and not to be afraid to try…I didn’t do it to save me…I did it for him…now I am forced to think of me…am I worth saving? can I really fight hard enough to beat this? I don’t know…tonight I don’t feel brave…I am afraid…but in the midst of all of this fear of what lies ahead I keep hearing this song from my childhood…

Soft as the voice of an angel,
Breathing a lesson unheard,
Hope with a gentle persuasion
Whispers her comforting word:
Wait till the darkness is over,
Wait till the tempest is done,
Hope for the sunshine tomorrow,
After the shower is gone.

Refrain

Whispering hope, oh how welcome thy voice,
Making my heart in its sorrow rejoice.

If, in the dusk of the twilight,
Dim be the region afar,
Will not the deepening darkness
Brighten the glimmering star?
Then when the night is upon us,
Why should the heart sink away?
When the dark midnight is over,
Watch for the breaking of day.

Refrain

Hope, as an anchor so steadfast,
Rends the dark veil for the soul,
Whither the Master has entered,
Robbing the grave of its goal.
Come then, O come, glad fruition,
Come to my sad weary heart;
Come, O Thou blest hope of glory,
Never, O never depart.

Whispering Hope…hope…four little letters that mean so much to so many people…women just like me…speaking of which, I have a friend from childhood…we share the same birthday a few hours apart…the same name as 4 other Lisa’s in our class…and we’ve been diagnosed with the same disease…I spoke to her tonight as she’s just started her chemo…her spirits are high, but her voice was tired…tired of reassuring the world around her that she will be fine…tired because the disease has progressed to her bones and she doesn’t know what truly lies ahead…tired because she’s not one to cry or let anyone know how she feels…my heart broke once again because our lives are in the hands of doctors and scientists and we only have hope that they know what they’re doing and the drugs that pass through our veins will work…we have no control of what is to come…we only have hope…hope…never, o never depart.