Lisa

Moved!

lisa — Tue, 31 Aug 2010 02:59:15 +0000

Hey folks…I took over fussmonster! You can find my adventures after cancerland here: www.fussmonster.com Hope so see you there!!

The Postman Always Rings Twice

lisa — Mon, 30 Aug 2010 16:12:30 +0000

It is time for some happiness on this blog and that happiness came to me via the postman on Saturday. Before I share that happy little package, let me backtrack a little…see I read this blog everyday…it’s a wonderful crafty blog written by a very nice lady who makes beautiful crocheted and knitted items. She happened to be having a little giveaway and I entered and WON!!! The first positive happy thing that’s happened to me since my adventures in cancerland ended!! So….ta-da…here are the goodies that I won!

It’s so great to meet really nice people via cyberspace and it’s really great to be back among the living doing the crafts that I love!!

*Projects I’m working on soon to come!!

Over

lisa — Thu, 29 Jul 2010 15:31:23 +0000

Tomorrow is my last radiation…then I will begin the monthly hormone treatments until February 2011…this journey is almost over…I read yesterday here, “the journey is all. The destination is beside the point.” I’ve been searching for a why and a what next for all these months…desparately trying to give a purpose to this disease to better understand…but I’ve realized by those words, “the journey is all.” that I don’t need an answer for either…I’ve learned so much about myself…I’m stronger than I ever thought I could be…as is my marriage…I’ve mended hurt feelings with my parents and sisters…I’ve put closure to things in my past…I’ve found who my true friends are and who were only clearing their consciences in case I didn’t make it…I’ve learned to love and appreciate those around me…I’ve realized that life is a gift to be enjoyed now not constantly waiting for some event to be happy…my marriage is strong…I know I’ve already said that, but my husband showed me what “for better or for worse, in sickness and in health” truly mean…now I’m ready to move on…back to the normal before cancer struck…the little one is coming back to catch the bus as she is starting kindergarten…she has grown up a lot in the past few months…just as I have…life is good…the journey has been good…

Sunshine

lisa — Sun, 20 Jun 2010 15:23:29 +0000

The sun is shining this morning…this made me think of how I’ve viewed my world since diagnosis…gray. That is the only world to describe it…gray with days of white light and more days of black darkness. I’ve moved into another phase of this journey…I have three radiation treatments under my belt with 25 to go…almost finished other than the monthly herceptin. I realize the worst is behind me…my world is changing colors…letting in the light…one day…one treatment at a time. I’ve made it! Now if I can re-train my brain to not worry about it coming back…to not obsess over the fatique as a sign of defeat…to realize that every day that I’m still breathing, cancer has not won! It’s a new day…time to move forward on this journey and look to the sunshine!

Just a thought

lisa — Sun, 13 Jun 2010 12:32:25 +0000

I haven’t written for a while…I guess I’m ready to move on to the next phase. I feel better since the chemo is finished…my hair is coming back (YAY Mane & Tail shampoo!!) I see the radiologist tomorrow then I’ll go from there. I’m wondering how much having cancer has changed me…has it become the definition of who I am? My aunt passed away this week and at the dinner after the funeral, family and friends kept coming to see how I was almost shocked that I was alive. It was as if they couldn’t imagine that I was truly doing well, that it was all an act and I would die at any moment. This unnerved me a bit…I realize my family is mostly doom and gloom…they live and believe that true happiness doesn’t come in this life but in the next and that’s fine…that’s their belief and I respect that…however, it is not mine. I believe that my doctor removed all of the tumor and the lymph nodes that were cancerous and I believe that their treatment for me killed any other cancer cells growing and I believe that at this point in my life I am cancer free! Yes, I will die someday, but not yet…it’s not my time. I guess my question is this…will they always look at me expectant for the horror of cancer to return…will I ever just be me again or will the cancer label always be there? I’m proud that I’m a cancer survivor, but do I always have to talk about it…is that the path my life will take now? Just a thought…

Last chemo

lisa — Fri, 21 May 2010 04:21:16 +0000

Well, it’s officially Friday…the day of my last chemo. I met with the radiologist on Thursday and I begin radiation on Tuesday…I’ve been crying for hours now…a mixture of relief and fear…so afraid that after all of this…it will come back. I don’t know if I can do this again…I don’t know if I’m strong enough or brave enough…I know I should be celebrating and I will when I see the faces of the caregivers tomorrow…the doctors and nurses who have held my hand when I was afraid, who gave me pep talks and shared their own survivor stories with me to show me that this day would come. I have been blessed with great care given to me…I don’t know how to repay those people or my husband…how do you thank the man you love who fulfilled his wedding vows by staying by me in sickness and in health…what words to you say? I’m so thankful that I married the kind of man who took those vows to heart… who truly loves me…who has proven again and again that we were meant to be together. He is my best friend, my cheerleader and the source that makes me laugh. It is my prayer to whoever listens that I never put him through this again…and if he ever needs me in the same way…I’ll be there for him…because I took my vows to heart too.

#5 – 1 to go!

lisa — Fri, 30 Apr 2010 03:33:44 +0000

Chemo #5 is set for tomorrow…I’ve had such good 2 weeks…cleaned the apartment from top to bottom…went shopping with my folks…celebrated my 5th wedding anniversary yesterday watching my hubby play WOW…I’m dreading tomorrow…I know what to expect, I know what meds to take to combat it…still…will my counts be up this time? I sure hope so, because that would postpone everything and I’m soooo close to being finished…radiation to follow but that won’t make me sick, at least I hope not…so close it’s hard not to worry. The doctor says I’m cancer free and that is wonderful…still in the back of my mind I wonder if it’ll come back. This has by far been the hardest thing I’ve ever done…it’s been good in that it’s made me realize how much my husband loves me and I him…I’ve let go of the hurts my parents caused and accepted their love…I’m re-bonded with my oldest sister after she came to terms with it and my middle sister has been there from the start…it’s nice to have my family back…of course my son has been calling to check on me from school…I’m blessed and I know now just how much…now to get through tomorrow and start the countdown to May 21 for the last one! Good thoughts my way, my friends…I need to have no fear!

Tired of being sick and tired…

lisa — Wed, 24 Mar 2010 23:14:53 +0000

Guess the title says it all…it’s been a rough week. I keep telling myself that I only have 3 more chemo’s to endure then it’ll be better…but you might as well tell me I have 300…I’ve tried so hard to stay positive and proactive with my attitudes and treatments but today I’m just tired…and sad…sad that my husband had to clean up my vomit…sad that my mother is feeling helpless…sad that I can’t make myself better…there is no magic treatment to make it better it’s all a process…a process I know I have to endure. I’m thankful that my husband doesn’t think twice about taking care of me…thankful that I still have my mother who so desparately wants to make it better…thankful that I’m alive. But today I’m just tired.

Tough

lisa — Sun, 14 Mar 2010 13:55:45 +0000

The past two weeks have been tough, both physically and mentally. I try so hard to stay strong and positive, but there are days I want to throw in the towel and quit. Tomorrow I will have surgery to put in my IV port. I know I need to do this because my veins are giving out. Every week they have to dig to find one and it hurts. But the thought of another surgery scares me…the thought of a foreign object in my body makes me crazy. All the things that could go wrong race through my mind and I’m reduced to tears, again. I know this is one more thing to move me farther on the road to recovery and yes, I’ll do it. But the tears…they seem to flow more often than I’d like. My sister is avoiding me…this is the same sister that I’ve helped move, twice, dropped everything when her son was in trouble to be with her and this is the same sister that I hung out with, shopped with and finally trusted enough to tell my secrets to. My heart hurts…ten years ago when I left my sons’ father, my family turned their back on me…it’s the same now with my sister and I really believed that this time when I needed her, she would be there. This disease is hard…I know that, I live with the what-if’s everyday. I know it’s hard to watch someone you care about being sick…but…really…not even a phone call? It hurts…but I will suck it up and move on because I can’t waste my energy trying to make someone understand that it’s a process, this recovery thing. I have to go put chemicals through my body to kill the bad so the good can recover…I have to lose my hair as a result of that…and I will be sick some days. But I’m not dead yet!! I keep hearing that song in my head…when the going gets tough, the tough get going, when the going gets rough, the tough get rough…I’ll get through this with or without my sister…

Happy Birthday Little One

lisa — Wed, 24 Feb 2010 15:46:07 +0000

Today is my son’s 21st birthday…wow, where did the time go? I remember the first time I saw him, held him, so tiny I was afraid I would hurt him. I remember not knowing what to do…afraid I wouldn’t be a good mom…but he survived, much to my amazement…I became his cheerleader, his biggest fan…and still am. I look at him and I can’t believe that someone so wonderful is a part of me…so here’s to my son…Happy Birthday!!

Easter 1989

: Christmas 2009