Tomorrow is my last radiation…then I will begin the monthly hormone treatments until February 2011…this journey is almost over…I read yesterday here, “the journey is all. The destination is beside the point.” I’ve been searching for a why and a what next for all these months…desparately trying to give a purpose to this disease to better understand…but I’ve realized by those words, “the journey is all.” that I don’t need an answer for either…I’ve learned so much about myself…I’m stronger than I ever thought I could be…as is my marriage…I’ve mended hurt feelings with my parents and sisters…I’ve put closure to things in my past…I’ve found who my true friends are and who were only clearing their consciences in case I didn’t make it…I’ve learned to love and appreciate those around me…I’ve realized that life is a gift to be enjoyed now not constantly waiting for some event to be happy…my marriage is strong…I know I’ve already said that, but my husband showed me what “for better or for worse, in sickness and in health” truly mean…now I’m ready to move on…back to the normal before cancer struck…the little one is coming back to catch the bus as she is starting kindergarten…she has grown up a lot in the past few months…just as I have…life is good…the journey has been good…

The sun is shining this morning…this made me think of how I’ve viewed my world since diagnosis…gray.   That is the only world to describe it…gray with days of white light and more days of black darkness. I’ve moved into another phase of this journey…I have three radiation treatments under my belt with 25 to go…almost finished other than the monthly herceptin. I realize the worst is behind me…my world is changing colors…letting in the light…one day…one treatment at a time. I’ve made it!  Now if I can re-train my brain to not worry about it coming back…to not obsess over the fatique as a sign of defeat…to realize that every day that I’m still breathing, cancer has not won! It’s a new day…time to move forward on this journey and look to the sunshine!

I haven’t written for a while…I guess I’m ready to move on to the next phase. I feel better since the chemo is finished…my hair is coming back (YAY Mane & Tail shampoo!!) I see the radiologist tomorrow then I’ll go from there. I’m wondering how much having cancer has changed me…has it become the definition of who I am? My aunt passed away this week and at the dinner after the funeral, family and friends kept coming to see how I was almost shocked that I was alive. It was as if they couldn’t imagine that I was truly doing well, that it was all an act and I would die at any moment. This unnerved me a bit…I realize my family is mostly doom and gloom…they live and believe that true happiness doesn’t come in this life but in the next and that’s fine…that’s their belief and I respect that…however, it is not mine.  I believe that my doctor removed all of the tumor and the lymph nodes that were cancerous and I believe that their treatment for me killed any other cancer cells growing and I believe that at this point in my life I am cancer free! Yes, I will die someday, but not yet…it’s not my time. I guess my question is this…will they always look at me expectant for the horror of cancer to return…will I ever just be me again or will the cancer label always be there? I’m proud that I’m a cancer survivor, but do I always have to talk about it…is that the path my life will take now?  Just a thought…