Hey folks…I took over fussmonster! You can find my adventures after cancerland here: www.fussmonster.com Hope so see you there!!

Yesterday I buzzed my hair…it wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be but…growing up I loved doing all kinds of things to my hair…it has been multiple colors much to my dad’s disapproval…he especially didn’t like the burgandy that I tried to hide with a bright red bandana!! I would cut it short, grow it out, perm it, braid it, frost it…you name it and I did it…a year ago I stopped dying it because of a bad chemical burn from hair dye that should’ve been pulled off the shelf…it became this beautiful dark brown color, a color that I didn’t remember seeing and the gray was at a minimum unlike my sisters…I liked that everyone asked what I had done to it and I could honestly say nothing…so yesterday as my head ached from the hair pulling on the pillow I knew I had no choice but to buzz it. I stood at the bathroom sink armed in my cape thinking this is just one more thing I have to do to get better. I ran the clippers up my head like I have done my for son all these years…I watched as the brown locks dropped on the blue towel and the woman in the mirror was looking more unlike the woman I know…it’s just hair, I know…it will grow back, I know…but today as I look at that woman again I am angered by the way we teach our daughters to view themselves. So much emphasis is placed on hair and makeup that when we are faced with the reality of looking into the eyes of a real woman, it’s hard to do. Maybe that is the problem…I can see the depths this disease has in my eyes…I see the lines on my face from the anxiety of it all and I wonder if  I will ever be the same again. I can’t hide behind my brown locks anymore…I stand naked in a harsh world…I don’t like feeling that vulernable…but stand I will because I have no choice…I have to survive…show my nieces that being a strong beautiful woman is not about hair, makeup or fashion…it’s about doing what has to be done even when it’s hard…even when you don’t want to…it’s about getting up…putting that foot in front of the other and walking on…yeah, it’s just hair…it will grow back!

Today I had one of those little aha moments…around 4 am, my husband finally came to bed after trying to find relief from his headache. As we lay there and I rubbed his head, I felt this calm about my whole situation. My son has 20 years of mom’s yacky attacks to sustain him in bad times, but my husband has no one but me to love him. So knot be damned, I’m going to keep going regardless of what the test results show on the 18th!  So today I’m looking up…feeling up….getting up off my behind and living my life!